The ancient Egyptians believed sleep caused people to lose their minds and descend into death. You just believe the prime minister of Malaysia wants you dead. Perhaps you've already gone insane. Relax, there's nothing wrong with the occasional insomnia-fueled paranoid delusion. Take solace in it, and just be thankful you don't have to engage in a nightly game of Russian roulette with psychosis like your well rested co-workers do.

In the late '70s and early '80s, 18 Laotian refugees mysteriously died in their sleep. The victims were allegedly healthy for being third world refugees, and the only plausible explanation anyone could come up with for these deaths were nightmares. And we're not talking pansy American nightmares about being naked in biology class in front of Becky Larson, but vengeful tree demon nightmares about being smothered to death, while Becky Larson laughs at your small penis. The condition goes by many names, none of which are the least bit coy, such as Oriental Nightmare Death Syndrome and Sudden and Unexplained Nocturnal Death in Sleep. SUNDS primarily affects Asians (the Hmong in particular) and even makes sure to kill around 3:00 a.m., because apparently it's got a grudge and a schedule to keep. If this is at all starting to sound familiar then you probably remember a little flick called "A Nightmare on Elm Street." And shit gets even more real when you take into account Freddy Krueger, the star of your nightmares in the 80s, was conceived after Wes Craven read a series of LA Times articles on Cambodian refugees dying from Oriental Nightmare Death Syndrome. Fortunately, those of us who are insomniacs are too preoccupied with who the fuck Tyler Durden is to go to sleep.

Okay, where can we go with this one other than the fact that this syndrome is named after what happens when a 12 gauge goes off in your face? You could probably stop right here and have more than enough reason to keep fueling your insomnia with an adderall and cocaine binge. Rather than having their heads exploded in one fell swoop, however, victims of this syndrome are instead subjected to night after night of mental torture in the form of "loud bangs" in their head, not unlike that of a bomb exploding, or a gunshot. These sound attacks usually occur right before, and while coming out of, deep sleep, and are accompanied with bright flashes, shortness of breath and increased heart rate. Think of it as going to sleep every night knowing that at some point, just when you get good and comfortable, almost capable of trust, somebody is going to throw a fucking grenade at you. And not unlike having actual grenades thrown at you randomly throughout the day, exploding head sufferers may exhibit post traumatic stress disorder and report symptoms such as feelings of fear and distress after an attack. The cause of this condition is unknown, but it believed to be connected with stress and fatigue. Others speculate it's caused by minor seizures that affect the temporal lobe, or sudden middle ear shifts that create loud bangs in the victim's head. Suddenly those soft whispers you sleeping folk call "hearing voices" or "going crazy" seem a whole lot better, eh?  

Finally, a condition that doesn't present itself with obvious terms like "death" or "exploding head," right? In fact, sleep apnea sounds deceptively close to "sleep happier." Kinda starting to make us insomniacs rethink our whole -- wait -- what's that? Sleep apnea sufferers temporarily stop breathing anywhere from a few seconds to minutes at a rate of about five to thirty times an hour?* That actually sounds kind of shitty. So, lets put this in perspective: say you stop breathing for thirty seconds seventeen times in an hour in an eight hour sleep cycle. That means for every hour, you spend 8.5 minutes of it not breathing, and for every eight hour period of sleep, a total of one hour and eight minutes of it is without oxygen. Those unfamiliar with what not breathing is may find their memory refreshed by having someone near them clasp their hands around their neck and apply pressure. Once the sleeping brain starts to realize it's not getting any oxygen, it signals the body to wake up, usually with a loud snort or cackle that disrupts sleep. In addition to fatigue from constantly suffocating and being startled awake, sleep apnea also raises the levels of carbon dioxide in the blood, making the heart beat faster and the brain release epinephrine, or adrenaline. This causes blood pressure to skyrocket and may even lead to heart failure, cardiac arrhythmia or coronary artery disease. Meaning suffers may eventually have to start keeping tabs on their diet to keep their heart in shape. Meanwhile, us insomniacs aren't concerned with our refrigerators unless someone puts another goddamn clue on the hangman post-it note. 

 

Compared to being nightmared to death, experiencing head exploding psychological trauma or suffocating in your sleep, bruxism doesn't seem all that bad. After all, it's just a little teeth grinding, and who doesn't grind their teeth from time to time? People who don't have fucked up faces, that's who. As it turns out, even a bit of seemingly harmless night grinding can result in anywhere from losing a tooth to grinding your teeth into complete bone dust. In addition to having the mouth of an 18th century British whore, bruxism also affects the jaw, resulting in TMD/TMJ and the deformation of the face. Bruxism occurs as a result of stress, anxiety, or having hideously deformed teeth in the first place. If there is a silver lining in all this, it's that bruxism gives a sense of purpose to the meth addicted insomniacs out there who might, in a moment of weakness, think it's time to call it a night. 

Those of us unlucky enough to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning have two separate stages of sleep: non-rapid eye movement and rapid eye movement. Those suffering from REM Sleep Behavior Disorder, however, have another stage of sleep: complete fucking chaos. What this means is that the sleep paralysis your mind usually tricks your body with during REM sleep is noticeably absent, leaving your limbs free to go absolutely chimpanzee on whoever is sleeping next to you. The lack of paralysis during REM sleep allows persons with RBD to act out their dreams in the form of talking, screaming, punching, kicking, jumping and flailing of the arms. Meaning you're gonna need a new excuse to explain your black eye other than "sleeping with my husband."