If society's judgmental expectations had a personified image, it would probably look something like The Pope and your grandma. While our list of "don'ts" may not be as ridiculous as they once were, the holiest of grandma's still expects certain behaviors from us. The catch that everyone fails to mention is that upon entering into society, you have a choice of not disappointing your sweet ol' grandma pope and, well, staying alive. 

Few things make a man more uncomfortable than holding in a butt burp due to the presence of other people. Letting one loose, however, rarely results in the culprit fessing up, but instead leads to a finger-pointing game that plays out like an Agatha Christie novel. If you fart in America, there is no way around it, you're a filthy human being who recklessly disregards the feelings of others. What no one tells you, however, is that pressuring a man to hold his gas is much more cruel and unusual than being subjected to a few minutes of air pollution. 

The gas that passes through your colon and consequently into the nose of your loved ones isn't just something your body does to freak people out -- it's actually good for you. In order for your bowels to function properly, the gases created during your body's digestive process must be released, which helps move stubborn fecal matter through your colon. To put it bluntly, without the help of your body's natural gases, pooping would be a kind of torture even Guantanamo Bay would frown upon. By training yourself not to fart, you're basically telling the shit in your bowels "one ripped anus, please." Even better, regularly playing the butt trombone works out your core by causing your diaphragm, pelvic floor, posterior wall and stomach to compress. So next time someone tells you you're looking a little flabby in your gut, don't be ashamed to turn the place into mother$%$&ing Nagasaki. 

For years society has wagged its judgmental finger toward those who curse: "If you don't have anything nice to say, Christian Bale, then don't say anything at all." Which in itself is a saying that may provoke, at the very least, an urge to scream "fuck you, you fucking fuck!" We don't like being told what to do or say, because quite frankly it pains us; and no amount of [expletive deleted] or "beep" heard on television is going to sway us of cursing's cathartic properties. 

The British (no doubt seeking retribution for their excessive use of "cunt") have discovered that swearing alleviates symptoms of physical pain. What's more, they found that cursing may be an instinct picked up from millions of years of evolution: making the pain-induced "FUCK!" the equivalent of a dog or cat yelping when you slam their tail in the door. Britain psychologists at Keele University tested out their theory by asking 64 students to willingly submerge their hands in a bucket of freezing water for as long as they can. One group was told to curse as much as they wanted, while the other group could only yell non-swear words. The group given a green light to swear decisively kept their hands in the freezing water longer than the group forbidden to curse.

That's the problem, society doesn't really say anything about it, except "don't do it." Granted, it's not as bad as, say, when your grandparents were growing up and their parents used to backhand them for so much as touching it while peeing. 

Not only does jerking it at night put you out faster than Ambien, it also relieves stress and gives your body a cardio workout by increasing your heart rate and lowering your blood pressure. (Notice the use of "you"... Everyone knows.) And it doesn't stop there, as the health benefits keep coming (mind, meet gutter). A 2003 study determined that men who stick shift in their beds five times a week are a whole third less likely to get prostate cancer. While our male readers are busy cleaning out their potentially hazardous sperm, let's  speak to the women for a second. Girls, did you know that those of you who flick the bean are more prone to orgasm during vaginal and oral sex? Which in turn makes us all happier and probably leads to us living longer lives. And did you also know that letting your boyfriend (or an equally handsome stranger on the Internet) watch you stoke the furry wall is a good way to...(aside to editor: "What? I need a truthful fact to back this up?) aw, screw it, just let me watch! 

"Cleanliness is next to godliness!" While I'm not sure what neat freak managed to get away with coining a phrase that compares the simple act of being clean to an all-mighty deity who could smite you with his dick, he apparently never had to deal with dust mites.

Leaving your bed in a carefree pile of sheets and blankets after a particularly moist night (we're not judging) might just be your saving grace. According to a Kingston University study, house dust mites which cause asthma and allergies have a harder time surviving in the dry conditions of an aired-out bed as opposed to the tightly tucked moisture retainer of a made one. Combine that with the knowledge that the average bed may contain up to 1.5 million dust mites and suddenly shit just got real. Since dust mites thrive on damp conditions in your bed, leaving it unmade throughout the day can turn your sweat soaked bed into dry storage for your goods, effectively starving the pesky night mites. 

If you pick your nose in America, you should go kill yourself right now. Seriously, you might as well be a bottom-feeding pedophillic sociopath with a drug problem. God forbid you ever have a booger in plain sight on a date and you have to play nose gymnastics to get it off. And don't even think about touching it with your finger (yeah, the same fingers that have no problem holding your cock in place while you release a stream of bacteria). 

Dr. Friedrich Bischinger of Austria wants people to know that mining for nose gold not only makes us happier and closer with our bodies, but it also gives a jolt to our health. Apparently, picking your nose and subsequently eating your boogers is a way of naturally strengthening your immune system. Bischinger argues that your finger is a great resource for getting to places untravelled by tissue paper and finding the really dry type of brain poop that improves your immune system. Yummy. 

References

Dean Somerset: The Health Benefits of Farting

http://deansomerset.com/2010/08/11/the-health-benefits-of-farting/

Time: Bleep! My Finger! Why Swearing Helps Ease Pain

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1913773,00.html

Men's Health: Health And Sexual Benefits of Masturbation

http://www.menshealth.com/health/health-and-sexual-benefits-masturbation

BBC: Untidy Beds May Keep Us Healthy

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4181629.stm

Med KB: Eating Your Nose Pickings -- Healthy

http://www.medkb.com/Uwe/Forum.aspx/med/2551/Eating-your-nose-pickings-Healthy